You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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