just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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