brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
