My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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