I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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