just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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