what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
