My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
