I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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