drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
