I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
