just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
