dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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