I hope mine doesn't look like that
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
