i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
