I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
