he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
