Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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