I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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