I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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