**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
