Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
