i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
