as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
