for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
