I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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