I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
