If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
