Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
