dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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