Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
