she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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