is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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