You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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