oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
