Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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