did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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