the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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