I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
