I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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