Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
it glows. i had to have it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
