Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
