remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
