I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
