Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So apparently I’m into choking now
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