Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
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