Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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