so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize