whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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