he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
