im about as happy as oj after his trial
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize