just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
