There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
