Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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