All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
