when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
