She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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