We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
