ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
