im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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